She knew
by irumie
Summary: Tsukuyo fell in love with the Yorozuya Leader, and as a part of falling, it hurts.
1. Chapter 1

**Gintama doesn't belong to me. **

I'm still not used to write in English so excuse the awkwardness. I tried to express Tsukuyo's feelings. I wrote this while listening to a sad song and I felt depressed, knowing Gintoki and Tsukuyo will never happen.. Yeah ~sigh. I rushed this but- yeah.. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it anyway !

* * *

><p>She felt stupid. Of course she knew that was bound to happen.<p>

_He is leaning to kiss the woman in front of him._

Tsukuyo had known this from the start, Gintoki would never love her as she loved him. Impressive as it might be, she fell hard. The shinigami of Yoshiwara acknowledged this fact long ago when she accepted the feeling she had toward him. It was hard enough she had to admit it but to havethe evidenceshe was actually right all this time, what happened in front of her hurt. She felt like drowning from the sight before her, her heart had stopped beating. She realized she would never been able to love anyone this hard. She had never been in this state of mind. _Get a grip of yourself Tsukuyo!_, she thought as she tried to resist the thoughts flowing in her brain as if she about to drop on the ground at any second. Was there a cure for this?

She sighed, she wasn't sure the Yorozuya saw her but didn't care, she turned back. The blonde hoped she didn't give any sign of her true state of mind, that her body hadn't betrayed her will.

As she was walking back to her house she was trying to forget what she saw a minute ago. Why was she so upset if she already knew ? _Why was her heart aching _? She realized as her hand gripped the clothe up her left breast.

Tsukuyo had prepared herself for this since day 1 she accepted her feelings. But it still hurt so much that she found it hard to breath. _I am an idiot._

The woman has always been strong. She was indeed a strong and a proud woman in every terms, _He_, only was her weakness.

She hated that fact and it would always angered her at the simple thought. He was that someone who brings back the actual desire of her being a real woman again. She wanted him to see her as a woman. This desire she always wanted to deny and proclaimed to have buried long ago.

Gintoki was a stupid and lazy, perm-silver-haired man. She really hated the guy, or at least she tried with all her might and eventually failed. He was not the type of guy one should fall in love with. He would never return feelings to anyone, love wasn't a part of his life. He just was not the type of man to stay with one woman.

That she knew, he told her that one day even so influenced by the "love incense".

He was a troublesome man, the best when it came to only bring bad luck and really bad situations. And yet he was the type of person everyone rotated around, people deeply loved him for his actions and loyal acts. Deep inside he cared for people even though he would never admit it. Gintoki was strong. He would do everything in his power to save his friends and his family. He really cared.

That she loved.

More than once, Tsukuyo was one to see him cry. She was there when he talked about his past, even though she did not know everything, she would listen to him silently as her fingers filled his hair gently. They understood each other. She was one he shared nights with. Although she pretended not to care about it, declaring it was "her job", the woman kept these moments in a special part of her heart. She would smile, then cry thinking about them.

She entered her home without a noise, heading to her room. She closed the door and let herself sit on the cold ground, her forehead pressed on her knees as her back touched the door behind her.

Tsukuyo knew when he would feel lonely he would come to her. That was the extent of their relationship. They were friends as he would occasionally talk to her and sometime they would do more.

She was naïve enough to think that the feelings she had for him would not change if they shared a night together, she was so wrong. Gintoki wasn't the person one would think he really is in these moment. He gave her the sensation that he really cared for her. She would almost think he loved her as he moaned her name. He was kind, gentle as he could be rough and made her burn from within.

The blond-haired woman let herself lay on the ground, her side first as she chuckled without happiness in her voice.

"He will never love me" she said with a low voice, her eyes closed for a moment. She opened them a second later to watch the moon through the window which was high in the sky.


	2. Chapter 2

I couldn't help but write again. There aren't any GinTsu fanfics at the moment, and why not keep going even if this is terribly written ? Eh ?  
><span><strong>I don't own Gintama<strong>

* * *

><p>A voice called out Tsukuyo's name, as she was still laying on the floor as the door opened lightly. The silver-haired man entered the room without hesitation even with the woman on the floor. He only sighed slightly, watching her from his standing pose.<p>

Tsukuyo had stopped moving when she heard his voice, she couldn't do anything, he was here, he was going to see her in this state he caused. She didn't want him to see her like that. This could not happen, what would he say ? How would she explain this ?

The man simply kneeled behind her analyzing the situation, wondering why she would sleep in this position, this close to the door. "I could have tripped on you" he sighed once again and he trailed his fingers near her cheek, removing a strand of her behind her ear.

He couldn't see her eyes and the blonde hoped his conclusion would be that she was asleep, tired enough that she hadn't been able to go in her own futon when she came back from work. On her side, the woman decided to press her eyelids together making no movements.

Gintoki suddenly placed his arm under her knees and the other on her back to hold her. He was getting up when he heard a gasp down from her. He only smirked at the sound, walking to her futon. He remained in front of it nonchalantly, keeping her close to his chest. The man was watching her by the side of his eyes.

Her body tensed at the sudden closeness of his body. She pressed her eyes harder as her lips did the same unconsciously. The expression didn't escape to the Yorozuya. He rolled his eyes knowing she wasn't really asleep. He just couldn't understand why she would acted asleep. He pinched her thighs with the hand close to her legs. He watched her expression with a grin on his lips. He waited patiently for a reaction.

She had only frowned at the movement of his fingers on her skin. Keeping her eyes tightly closed, she would not move. She persuaded herself until she felt the tip of his fingers slowly approaching the side of her bosom. She could only catch her breath, refraining herself from screaming at him and kicking him. She almost forgot how upset she was ten minutes ago.

"Gintoki" she said with a low yet strong voice, her eyes still closed. The said man turned his eyes to watch her as he heard her. He could only smile, she was starting to get angry. _At least that's a reaction._He didn't reply and keep his fingers working under clothes.

"Gintoki." she said a second time. He ignored her until she opened her eyes. He feigned a deadpan face as he looked at her. Then stated :

"Oi, Tsukky! Didn't know you would actually have erotics dreams with me." he finally dropped her lightly on the futon as she only sighed at his words, he on the other he was watching her with a gleam of amusement in his eyes.

"What are you doing here, Gintoki?" He just sit next to the futon making himself comfortable beside her.

"I'm here because I wanted to see you. Is that a problem?"

"How did you enter the house..? I don't think I ever gave you the key, just go-"

"You left the door open." he was still looking at her eyes searching for something Tsukuyo couldn't put a finger on. _Did he saw me back there...? _She couldn't help but bit her lip at the thought she gives out a silent breath, reaching her kiseru she put immediately between her lips. She closed her eyes as she puffed the smoke in front of her. It always helped her nervous state like right now, she sighed delightfully. She then waited for him to say anything, knowing she could break at any moment even with the smoke in her blood - it didn't travel as fast as she would have like in her veins - she was still as upset. Her heart was beating at an incredible pace that she wondered what could be worst than him knowing. She felt him leaning down to take the kiseru.

"What are you-" she whispered, her eyes widening at the sight before her. He just took a puff and repositioned the kiseru at her lips. She took it back, her eyes fixed on the kiseru itself. She didn't know how to react, to feel anymore. He was with another woman just now and here he was, puffing on her kiseru. That wasn't jealousy. Tsukuyo was not one to be jealous, she just couldn't understand how he could act as if nothing happened. The courtesan of death was confused and angry. She let the kiseru drop on the floor as she gripped at his colar.

Their eyes met, the movement surprised Gintoki as he wasn't expecting her anger. Was it really anger ? He couldn't describe the look on her eyes. It was like she was about to cry, he hadn't seen anything similar from the blonde. It all the more shocked him when she kissed him. Hard. It was messy and she pressed herself against him and quickly her hand went straight to his hair.

That was the first time Tsukuyo would kiss him on her own, Gintoki had always been the one to initiate kissing and she would tag along, but this time she had actually kissed him. He took him a second to undertand what was actually happening when he eventually lifted his hand to her waist. As if the space between them was too much for him.

The movement of the former samurai snapped Tsukuyo from her own doing. She pulled away. Breathing heavily she could only mutter "no". She shook her head and looked at the floor. "no...that's not what I wanted to do..." she clenched her fist, still unable to look up. She knew his crimson eyes were staring at her confused as the why would she pushed him away the way she did, she knew she couldn't handle them and she would give in to his beautiful eyes, again.

"I hate you" was the only thing she could say.


	3. Chapter 3

I've never written this fast, I guess I'm inspired. By the way I hope you enjoy my shitty writing haha. I still wonder if I'm making a happy ending or a sad one ? aw...the struggle. Even so I'm sorry that the chapters are so short, I think I write "better and faster" this way.

* * *

><p>"You hate me, eh?" he hummed, frowning a little and as if it wasn't anything important he shrugged. "tell me something I don't know."<p>

As Tsukuyo slowly lifted her fingers on her eyes she could feel the tears dangerously threatening to fall that she wiped as quickly as they dropped from her eyelashes. She turned her face away from his stare, as if she was trying to escape from some powerful and intense eyes that could make her shiver and melt at the time. He was making her weak. That was unacceptable.

Her body reacted the exact opposite as she would have wanted to, she wanted to hide how she really felt but her body betrayed her resolution. Her free hand was still clenched on her thigh, trying to control the shaking when she heard him speaking.

"I'm not stupid Tsukuyo." he sighed as his hand grabbed her arm to force her face him. "Look at me." He tsked when she stubbornly shut her eyes. He took her chin between his thumb and index, releasing his hold on her arm gently. "I'm not stopping until you look at me and tell me what happened." his voice was soft as he trailed the fingers on her chin to cup her cheek lightly. Gintoki slowly leaned to press his forehead against hers.

His warm breath brushing against her skin, Tsukuyo still refused to open her eyes as the contact made her open her mouth unconsciously obviously craving for the heat he was providing across her body at the simple movement. "I really hate you, Gintoki." she whispered slowly opening her lavender eyes to face his leisurely grin on his lips.

"I know," Gintoki wiped the tears that she had failed to dry with the tip of his thumb. "What happened?" he asked again. This was one of these time when the man would take a serious tone which took her aback as he was grinning a minute ago.

"Nothing happened." she replied not quite looking at his eyes, faking annoyance with a dark expression she usually gave him when he says something stupid. The courtesan could finally pulling off the face she planned on using, hiding her real feelings once again. She was proud of herself.

Without saying anything, the silver-haired man watched her. Searching for her eyes – which she would avoid at all cost. The Hyakka leader had never shed a single tear in front of him and she really tried to convince herself that he would believe this void lie. He pulled away from her and laid down on the futon.

"I wanna fuck then." the Yorozuya leader looked at her, crossing his arms behind his head.

The blonde turned her attention to him once again, she could only chuckle at the words as though she was expecting this kind of reaction from the man.

"I wanna punch you."

"You still can punch me while I'm inside of you or clawing on my back like you always do, you know. You always leave me bruises and yet you're always screaming at me to keep going.." Gintoki replied showing his usual deadpan expression, picking on his nose with his little finger.

She couldn't stop the red on her burning cheeks from spreading. Muttering a "Shut up" to his familiar teasing.

He reached for her closest hand, without standing up, so he could pull her against his chest. He groaned softly when the only thing the courtesan could do was gasp, falling on his side. "No" she murmured as her heart started to beat promptly against her chest that she hoped he wouldn't notice since they were so close to each other. She was almost panting, her mouth close to his neck. "I don't want this."

"You saw me back there, right?"

His hand travelled from her hand to her waist for a moment then he stopped, To calm her down a bit. The palm of his hand pressing gently against her cheek to make her looking up. This time she didn't look away. Their eyes locked, Gintoki caught his breath at the sight before him. He couldn't believe what he saw at this moment. She was confused, and he could see through her eyes the pain as if it was aching for. The look on her eyes were all he needed to see.

The former samurai lifted her lightly to take her in his arms, hugging her tightly as if he was afraid to see her escape again. "I'm sorry" he whispered, with a low voice that it would have been inaudible for anyone else.

She shook her head, she didn't want to hear that from him.

"If anyone have to apologize here, it's not you. I'm sorry. I knew what I was getting into from the start. You don't have to say that...No.. I'm sorry..I'm...sorry.." she choked on a sob, clenching her fingers on his clothes, hiding her face in the crook of his neck

Here she was, blaming herself from having feelings, these feelings which were even stronger than she ever thought they would be. Those foreign feelings she once promised she would never let gain the upper hand on her rational thoughts. Tsukuyo knew from the beginning what to expect from this. _She had always known. _And yet it didn't stop anything. She loved him.

"I love you..." she breathed.

Silence.

No movement.

A moment passed as her body and mind calmed down. Maybe he didn't hear what she said? _If so I'm glad..what's wrong with me..why did I say something like that.._ the blond thought. The courtesan slowly came to the conclusion he had ignored her, she eventually sighed almost in relief. That may have been the best thing he had done until she heard a chuckle.

He was laughing.

* * *

><p><strong><span>nekoadmirer<span>** : first of all, thank you for your review, I really appreciate it. I would have PMed you but I'll just reply here. You're really positive about them ! I wish I was the same to be honest. I can't see Sorachi making them a couple even at the end, I'm sure he'll stay alone I don't know why.. But I totally agree, their loving chemistry is something I fell in love with. ~sigh~ I hope you're right though!

I'll do my best!


	4. Chapter 4

My depressed self went away I guess because I find this chapter less sad (and longer?) than the others.

Enjoy!~

* * *

><p>Tsukuyo was even more confused by his reaction. Wasn't it supposed to be a really bad and rude reaction ? Someone laughing at one's confession, wasn't it something one would just avoid? She furrowed, trying to understand the reason of his sudden laugh. Was it funny to find out she loved him? Mad in love that she would cry and hurt because of him? She decided to stay silent, only to pull away from his side and laying on her back, watching the ceiling. The room grow silent when he finally stopped his chuckles.<p>

As the time passed, neither of them said anything. She shut her eyes desperately trying to keep a hold on her agitated thoughts on the silver-haired man who was laying beside her. _Even this close, he's all I can think about... _she quietly took her breath, her hand roaming on her pulsating heart.

Gintoki caught her attention when he moved down to the futon to take the blanket and cover both of them. His arm eventually slipped around her waist to take her back against his side filling the empty room they had between them. He was looking right to her eyes, her flushed cheeks when their bodies touched _once again_, had him sigh at the touch and the sudden closeness. It almost sounded like a moan. "You damn woman." He was firmly holding her as if she never really parted away from his chest. "You're freezing." he remarked as his face slowly grew closer to her shoulder closing the space with his forehead pressing against it.

They soon slowly fell into the slumber of the night without other words.

( ... )

"It's unual of you to sleep in Tsukuyo" a feminine voice said behind the door as she was knocking lightly. The called woman hummed lowly, stiring out of her short sleep that left her slighly numb. Smilling a little at the pleasant sensation her blanket was giving her, how warm it was - when the courtesan realized _that wasn't a blanket_ she gasped at the view in front of her : Silver hair. How could she have forgotten _this_ ?

Without warning the door opened, showing a woman in a wheeling-chair."Are you here, Tsu..." the woman trailed her voice "Oh- !" Surprised at the sight before her – Gintoki was all over the Hyakka leader, his hair was the only thing Hinowa could see from where she was – The older woman pressed her hand on her mouth stopping a giggle forming in her throat.

"I'm sorry Tsukuyo, I didn't know you had company." She closed the door, leaving a very red blonde after her. She jerked the man off of her biting furiously her lips.

"Gintoki!" she shouted-whispered at him, when he went flying by her own kick. The man grunted, his eyes half-open as he felt the crash of his head on the wall behind him.

"Aaaah...Seriously..." he rolled his eyes while his voice was tainted with annoyance and amusement at how flustered her face was from embarrassment. He finally sighed, his fingers massaging the back of his head.

"You usually leave before I wake up..." the courtesan suddenly said.

"I didn't feel like leaving."

Tsukuyo watched him in silence, her mouth opened, she clearly wasn't expecting these words. When she finally found something to say she closed her mouth. She shrugged and sighed instead. She got up and turned away, her hand on the door.

"I've got work to do."

"Yeah." the Yorozuya leader followed her step, stopping right behind her. "Can I see you tonight ?"

"I've got work." she repeated. "Just...forget about what I said last night."

As though the woman had felt his hand raising to her arm, she stepped outside of the room and closed the door before he could reach her. Her hands were shaking as she touched the wall in front of her for a moment. She had made a mistake saying those words, that wasn't what she wanted. She wanted him to forget how fragile she looked like when she told him. She wanted him to act as if nothing happened.

Quickly regaining her senses she went to the bathroom. To go through her morning ritual before she started working.

Gintoki was in the other hand, standing in front of the door. He didn't budge even if he knew he had to be gone before she came back. She didn't say it with words but that was something invisible he understood. It wasn't like Tsukuyo was never cold with him – it was actually often she would call him an idiot. But this..the way she just talked.. there was something else in her voice which made him almost...sad. That wasn't her usual tone.

(...)

The day went better than Tsukuyo had thought it would go. Nothing too serious happened to Yoshiwara, there was the usual vile men she would throw her kunai at but nothing too dangerous that she couldn't handle. And she was glad. So far her mind hadn't heal from last night, the emotions still strong in her veins.

She sighed. Her kiseru between her lips and her eyes locked at the moon. Difficult to believe that she was doing the same thing when he came to her. Everything felt different now that she blurted out that she loved him. What an idiot she was. _I should have punched him way sooner, he deserved it. No...No. This need to stop, Tsukuyo. You can't act like that. You don't want to ! Stop thinking about him. You told him to forget. He deserves you to do the same._

Struggling in her own minds she blowed the smoke away when she heard the door of her room opening. It was Hinowa.

"I'm sorry for this morning." she began playfully. The atmosphere of the room could be felt by the pressure alone that was flowing around the blonde woman. Hinowa rolled to the side of the person she considered as her little sister.

"Please don't remind me."

"Don't be sulking alone. Tsukuyo, you know I told you could come to me whenever something is wrong. I heard from you subordinates that you've been dreamy all day.. You can talk to me." She talked with a smooth voice that Tsukuyo had always found relaxing. She took another breath from her kiseru and looked at her.

"I told him how I felt...," The kunai expert started, not sure how to explain her 'problem'. It felt strange to talk about this, even with Hinowa she wasn't used to blatantly talk about her feelings. Tsukuyo was never one to do that, ever. The raven haired woman nodded calmly to reassure her. "I couldn't help myself. I saw him with someone else." she bited her bottom lips at the memory but shook her eyes.

"I've no right over him. I had no right to tell him.." she then continued. "This is the only thing I'm sure of and yet..."

"You had a natural reaction. You love him so it hurts to see him with another person." as the woman in front of her said Tsukuyo pressed her kiseru between her lips. She looked at the window once again. "What was his reaction?"

"He laughed." Tsukuyo replied lowly.

"Well, if this isn't confusing." Hinoway said with a little smile on her lips. "He stayed the night didn't he ? He was nervous Tsukuyo."

"Nervous? How...nervous? No. He was ..just laughing."

"Men can be nervous when the woman they like say that she loves him." she hummed as she rolled back to the door. "You should ask him."

"W-what...are you saying Hinowa...I'm not asking anything! I don't like that" Tsukuyo's voice was raising, trying to shove Hinowa's words away.

She will not ask him how he felt. Hell she already knew. What was Hinowa thinking. Yes, she loved him but she didn't expect him to...love her back. Their relationship so far had been physical, they had their share of specials moments, right, and they talked when they felt the need to, It was never something she thought she would not take too seriously. But she did take it seriously, eventually. Deep inside she wanted to be special to him.

She grunted. Did she want to know?

(...)

"Why did you laugh?"

Gintoki watched the blonde courtesan standing on his front door. They hadn't seen each other over two weeks since _that night_ and she just showed up, out of the blue.

"What are you talking about?" the former samurai asked, picking on his nose. He took a step back leaving her for the leaving room.

"Don't play dumb with me Gintoki!" Tsukuyo shouted following him.

He deadpanned. "Oi oi, I don't want a fury in my house." as she was about to hit him in the chest he caught her hands.

Lavender and crimson eyes met.

"Tsukuyo." was the only thing she heard before their lips locked.

He kissed her.

* * *

><p>I'm actually sorry I cut at the kiss? Really, sorry sorry. So now we're fixed I won't do sad ending. GinTsu fandom is not getting even more sadder because of me okay!? *overreacting*<p>

**Anyway; I wanna thank you guys for the reviews. Really thank you, it made myself feel better about GinTsu somehow as I was, kinda, loosing hope and feeling down about them...T.T**

And I was also thinking, I could try to write some lemons, because I crave for some GinTsu lemony actions, but you know I'm awkward already writing this and my lemons would suck but well yeah, I wanted to know what you thought about this. If I should give it a try or not ? If I were to write lemons I'd take more than a day to write though. (I would need help from friends and all, that's important haha. It would take me at least a week, I just can't write a shitty gintsu lemon you guys)

See you!


End file.
